LOnELy TEaRz: When Only DREAMS Exist
by Moro-moro
Summary: [I want, I need for you to be with me, and to love me, because I cannot live without you here.] Through it all, he assured himself that dreams didn't come true, and living one meant that life would wake him up in the worst way possible. [KuroFai][DEATHFIC


_**:. when only DREAMS exist .: **_

_**LOnELy Tears**_

( The solitary loneliness that confines/ The collected tears that shame/ The single drop of blood that falls to the floor/ Define me… )

Tears fall, blood pools, and they mix on the floor, viscosity causing spread.

The boiling, corrosive taste of blood fills my mouth, leaving my body in harsh, violent spasms. It splatters up against the floor, raining up against my skin.

My legs collapse as the energy leaves my body, my throat convulsing as every _cell_ in my entire _body _rejects all I've ever drunk.

It _hurts_. I hurt. He hurts. She hurts. We all _**hurt**_. I feel it pervade into my senses, too weak to fend it off.

_I __**hurt**_! Not just what's happening to my body, but the reason for it as well. It hurts more than anything I can ever imagine. I retch again, just thinking of it. I die seeing the broken life on the floor, killing me as everything goes horribly and terribly wrong in the aftermath of gore.

I choke on blood, bile, and sobs, laying facedown in the blood pool. Screaming, I die inside. My vision sheets black, and _I feel no more_.

_**(..:: AND IT ALL REPEATS INSIDE MY HEAD ::..)**_

((:..: IWANT :..:))

(There are two types of conflict/ Internal/ External/ What do you do when one causes another/One from one/ Or kill the other… )

Mutually, they had agreed to disagree on the matter. He knew that Fai hated to feed, and Fai knew that he hated him hating it.

From that understanding, grew companionship. From that companionship, grew love.

"Are you done?"

Fai looked up, amber eye flashing softly. He sighed against Kurogane's skin. The swordsman's voice was soft with exhaustion, and he could almost hear the restrained twinge of pain in the other man's voice. It had been a long week here, tiring on all of them. "Yes," he whispered, straightening.

Absently, the mage licked a bead of crimson off his lips. Slowly, his eye faded back to its bright, ice azure. "I'm sorry." In a moment of forgetfulness, Fai laid a hand on Kurogane's forearm, feeling the muscle flex as the man wrapped up his wrist.

Kurogane's dark red eyes flicked down to Fai's hand, then to the wizard's face. The blonde was wearing a tender, thoughtful expression. "What are you thinking?" he growled.

Fai flinched away at Kurogane's voice. "Nothing. Nothing at all," he muttered. He turned on his heel, striding purposefully towards the door. And out of this room; he couldn't stand being so close to the ninja. His heart hurt too much.

"Nothing is something."

"Something?" Fai mused, his hand on the doorknob. "Well, I _think_ I've fallen in love with you," he said with a nonchalant shrug. It hurt so bad to say it. But it hurt worse not to.

Kurogane opened his mouth to say something…

But it was too late, and Fai had already left.

((:..: INEED :..:))

( Dreaming comes so easily/ 'Cause it's all that I know/ Don't let anyone come close to me/ Any chance to/ I don't… )

The glass was cool, and he was thankful for that. His head ached. Idly sighing, he stared out the window. He had another nightmare. They happened all the time, but lately, they shook him to his core. They involved dying and murder.

Fai shuddered in sheer disgust and fear, knowing that the ninja would never let anything of the sort happen. Even if he was _hated_. The ninja, even weeks later, never addressed Fai's confession.

He heard the door open and close behind him. It was Kurogane. Speak… _Think _of the devil…

"The kids are asleep," he said, pulling off his shirt.

Fai closed his eye. It was too tempting too look, and that's what he didn't want. "We leave this world tomorrow, right?" he asked softly, sadly. He liked this world. It was quiet, cool. It rained a lot, but never too much. There was an ocean of white flowers, reminding him of snow.

"Yes."

Fai curled his legs under himself, laying his head on the windowsill. He opened his eyes, watching the stars fade under a starting shower.

The bed creaked, and Fai was suddenly aware of Kurogane's arms around him. "In that last world, what you said…"

Fai looked over his shoulder almost hopefully.

The ninja looked almost nervous, avoiding Fai's eye. "I feel the same," he grumbled.

((:..: FORYOUTO :..:))

( Now I can't let go of this dream/ I can't believe/ That I feel/ Good enough/ I feel good enough/ It's been so long time coming/ But I feel good/ And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall/ Pouring life down on me/ Because I can't hold on to anything/ This good… )

"…y'know…" Fai mused, looking over at Kurogane from his pillow.

The swordsman cracked open an eye, his hands tucked under his hands. "What?"

Kurogane could feel Fai staring at him, so he rolled over and pulled the mage's lithe body close to his own. "What," he repeated after a long silence.

Fai pressed his face into the curve of Kurogane's shoulder, snuggling close. "Sometimes," he whispered. "I think I must be dreaming."

"Pretty damn real dream then."

Fai laughed, a light, mellow laugh that he only granted Kurogane. "Why, yes it is Kuro-gyan."

Grumbling at the nickname, he felt Fai's lips form a pout against his bare skin. The wizard's fingers began to dig into his skin, the sharp nails pricking into the tanned flesh. "Hey, what?! Oi, Fai, what are you…"

Fai's body began to shake against Kurogane's as he whimpered. "I don't want it to be a dream. It's too good. I'd _die_ if it were to end."

Kurogane was at a loss; Fai's voice was so pleading and piteous, he didn't know what to do but hold the man tighter until it passed.

"Life hurts, Kuro-chan…" Fai mumbled, falling back into relaxation in the tight hold of his lover's arms.

Kurogane shrugged lightly. "Yeah, but there's always going to be people who are going to make it better," he muttered, pressing his lips to Fai's cheek in an awkwardly comforting kiss. "I'll be here."

"… Yeah, but…" Fai drifted away, catching a worried glare in Kurogane's eyes. He gave a watery smile. "But what happens if my puppy can't help me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing, it was only a passing thought, Kuro-yam! Why take it so seriously?"

With this, Fai rolled onto his stomach, pressing his face into the crook of Kurogane's arm. He'd not tell the ninja about his dreams…

They were only nightmares, after all.

((:..: BEHERE :..:))

( His fate was sealed/ From the day he died/ Wings of sorrow/ From a wish he lied )

"No." "But-" "No," Kurogane cut off once again, crossing his arms angrily.

Fai shrugged half-heartedly, crawling back under the covers to sulk. It wasn't fun being sick. He watched blearily as the ninja turned to leave. "…Hey… Stay here…"

Kurogane looked over his shoulder, scowling.

"Syaoran is fine on his own, and Sakura-chan can help," Fai mumbled. "Stay with me today." Fai didn't like being alone. Especially when he was sick. That was when the nightmares would come. They would come worse than ever, and they'd repeat mercilessly. He just didn't want to watch Kurogane die over and over and over, repeatedly being forced to dream himself into a world without his love.

Kurogane turned around, and glared over at the wizard.

The blonde smiled sheepishly, looking sadly at the ninja. "I'll go to sleep then," he whispered, closing his eyes so he wouldn't have to see Kurogane leave.

Much to his surprise, a heavy weight settled on his bed, and Fai opened his eyes to see the swordsman sitting next to him.

"Thank you, Kuro-pyuu…" Fai reached out and took the large calloused hand of his lover, smiling warmly.

((:..: LOVEME :..:))

( Just paranoid/ Of getting lost/ Without/ I might loose/ Ignorance is bliss/ Cherish it/ Pretty neighborhoods/ You learn too much too old/ Believe it not/ Fight the tears/ With pretty smiles and lies/ Oh we can dream… )

It was a hard question to ask. Very hard. "Do… you love me?"

Kurogane stared down at Fai. It was an unexpected question, at an unexpected time.

The room was silent, save for the breathing of those who were interrupted.

Fai tilted his head to the side, breaking his stare on the ninja. An ashamed flush spread across his face, tainting the milky-white skin of his ears and neck.

Kurogane frowned as he watched Fai's face contort, and his chest rise harshly with the onset of tears. "Oi… I've not answered yet."

Fai bit his lip. "Well?" he whispered, voice wavering.

Kurogane, in an act of almost uncharacteristic tenderness, kissed Fai's cheek. "Of course I do, you stupid mage. Didn't you listen when I told you worlds ago?" he asked somewhat scathingly.

Fai blinked, looking up happily at the man hovering over him. Grinning lazily, he looped his arms around Kurogane's broad shoulders. "So, Kuro-yam, may I take that as a yes?"

The ninja only grunted his approval.

((:..: **DON'TDIE** :..:))

( Prison gates won't open up for me/ On these hands and knees I'm crawling on/ all I reach/ For you/ Well, I'm terrified/ Of these four walls/ These iron bars/ Can't hold my soul at all/ And all I need is you/ Complete, I'm calling/And/ All I scream/ Is you… )

"Apparently, there are… creatures here," Syaoran mused. "From what the villagers said, these monsters generally keep to themselves, but lately…"

"They've been attacking," Fai finished with a curt nod.

"This leaves me to believe that there's a feather here," Syaoran concluded.

Kurogane cracked his knuckles expectantly. "Let's get going then!"

"Kuro-maa, you're impatient," Fai whined. "These things are really strong, and we need a game-plan."

The ninja snorted. "We just kill 'em."

Fai sighed. There were things that should be thought through, and this was one. "Fine, whatever."

"I want to come too!"

Everyone turned to see Sakura frowning in her seat. "I want to help!"

"But these monsters are very dangerous!" Syaoran protested.

"I'm going," Sakura resolutely continued.

Fai leaned over the table, gently tweaking Sakura's nose. "Mynah, Sakura-chan, what weapons can you use?"

Sakura bit her lip. "Well… I can use a bow and arrow," she whispered. "Not well, though."

Fai nodded. "Here too. So! The plan, Sakura-chan and I are back up!"

Kurogane growled in disapproval and Syaoran frowned; Sakura and Fai stood together, opposing the two swordsmen.

"I guess it's okay, but please, Princess, be careful," Syaoran said, begging Sakura with his desperate eyes.

Kurogane, on the other hand, was not as elegant. "_Mage_," he hissed.

Inwardly, Fai winced. It been a while since his name was not used. "May we discuss this in private, Kuro-kuro?" he whispered.

Crimson eyes narrowed, and the ninja grunted an affirmative.

Later that night, Fai found himself pinned to a wall, wrists held tightly by a very angry soldier. "Kuro-chan, please. I'll protect Sakura-chan this time, I swear," he whispered, finding it hard to stare at Kurogane straight-on.

"And what happens if you get yourself _killed_?"

"I won't die; I'm not easy to kill," the magician said softly. "I'm stronger than I look."

"So! If these demons are at least half as strong as the rumors, no amount of dumb luck will—"

"Ah… Are you worried about me… Kurogane?" Fai looked up into his partner's unhappy face, wincing at the expression.

Kurogane's scowl deepened.

"You are," Fai whispered. "I'm sorry. I'll take great care. I could never leave you." He leaned up and gently pressed his lips to Kurogane's, instantly feeling the ninja crush him down with worried ardor. "But… Kuro-sama, you'd not leave me would you?" he mumbled doubtfully, laying a head on the ninja's shoulder.

"I could _never_ leave you…"

-

A wet sounding thud spread across the night and worry stagnant air, and Syaoran's shout echoed.

Fai swallowed heavily and Sakura visibly turned white. "I'll go see what happened," the mage whispered bravely, running off to leave the princess alone.

What he saw inside of the room absolutely broke him. He backed against the wall, his one eye surveying the horror before him.

A body lay on the floor, blood spreading around it, reminding Fai sickly of a spilt glass of wine. The chest was torn open, the heart pulled out—the mage knew it had still been beating when it was taken.

Light-headedly, the blonde stumbled over to the body; he could hear Sakura sobbing behind him, as well as a faint sniffling from Syaoran. The magician dropped to his knees, blood soaking and splashing onto his clothes.

"Please don't leave _me_," Fai whispered desperately. He reached out and his trembling hand stroked the still warm cheek, and his fingers slowly found the lids and closed the lifeless red eyes. "_Please_! _**You need to keep your promise**_!! _**DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!**_"

((:..: **ICAN'TLIVE** :..:))

( There are no glass slippers/ There are no fairy wands/ There is only fact/ And it's not on my side/ For/ Life is a play that no-one will see/ From this dead-end theater/ I run… )

_**(..:: AND IT ALL REPEATS INSIDE MY HEAD ::..)**_

I cannot breath, I cannot move. Greif as dark as night swathes my mind and fuzzes out the contrary images in my head. I believe; I want; I NEED for him to live, and therefore…

In my head he lives.

There is no blood pooling underneath him, there is _no_ somber witch sending him away, there is **no** mourning.

They don't understand how _**alive**_ he is.

My throat is raw from screaming, my fingers are bleeding from scratching at the walls, my eyes are sore from insomnia, and my cheeks are chapped with tears.

_**No, no, no**_! This is all a lie and I will wake up, shuddering and drenched in sweat.

My hands are raw and pink from desperately scrubbing; I can't get this fictional blood off of my hands.

No… no… I can't find him, I can't! He's nowhere in this town, in this house, in this world! I can't find him, I can't find him… It's true, it's true, oh god it's true.

Exhausted, I sink to the ground, holding the sword I was allowed to keep. It's true, it's true… Tears pour down my cheek, and blood spurts from my mouth.

Why else would I be dying too? Oh, god, Kurogane… I'm dying inside, I care nothing about my body; my heart is shriveling and dying slowly.

Why can't I join you _**faster**_?

_**(..:: AND IT ALL REPEATS INSIDE MY HEAD ::..)**_

((:..: WithoutYouHere :..:))

( If you want to get out alive/ Run for your life/ If you want to get out alive/ Run for your life/ If I stay/ It won't be long/ Till I'm burning on the inside/ If I go/ I can only hope/ I can make it to the other side… )

An inhuman wail escaped into the room, shattering the silence. It echoed for days and days.

-

Sakura pressed slim fingers against the cold glass, the warmth of her body fogging the pane. "I wish…"

Syaoran lightly touched her shoulder. "I want to help him too."

Together, they looked through the rain-streaked window, regarding the sad, broken figure of their friend.

He sat against a tree, broken-heartedly staring at the sword he had thrust through the ground. He shuddered heavily, coughing.

And through the window, crying silently, the princess and the archeologist watched as Fai D. Flourite coughed up the last of the blood that kept him alive, and died.

_When I die, who will mourn for me? We've sent Kurogane's body away for burial in Nihon… I cannot return to my world. There is no one there. Here is where I will be buried; not a mourner to my name, and only a stone to mark my ashes. I have no one now that he is dead, and… I want to see him so badly. Witch-san, do grant me death. Please, I beg of you. This is my last wish, to dream forever of him and the time I had with him. For I do not wish to live in a world where I cannot see his face. _

_**:. when only DREAMS exist .:

* * *

**_

_**A/N: So, this story. Most definitely an AU story. I wanted to experiment around with character death with no returns, and I also wanted to do the formatting artsy thing. What do you think? It's not too bad. :shrugs: **_

I used songs in this... They are: "Damaged" (Uhh, some help here?), "Good Enough" (Evanescence), "So I Thought" (Flyleaf), "Savin' Me" (NickleBack), and "Get out Alive" (Three Days Grace).


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